Written by: Amanda Levison, M.S., LMHC, LPC, CCBT
Being in a relationship does not necessarily mean that you are always happy or satisfied. It is normal for one or both partners to feel unhappy, unsatisfied, or even lonely at some point. Yes, even when you have a loving partner to spend your days and nights with, there are times when you will feel lonely.
Society and culture have falsely created a narrative that being in a relationship with someone will automatically cancel out most unwanted feelings; however, ask anyone in a relationship, and they will tell you that is not the case. Whose fault is it, yours or your partner's? Should the blame be placed on both or neither of you?
Feeling lonely in a relationship can result from many different factors, and it is not about who is to blame for it; it’s about who is willing to do the work to make a change for the better. Factors include but are not limited to a lack of connection, emotional distance, lack of understanding, and much more.
Regardless of the cause, navigating loneliness is important to ensure your relationship remains healthy and fulfilling. In this blog, we will discuss the effects of loneliness on a relationship as well as how to navigate loneliness in a relationship effectively.
If you are feeling lonely, it is time to do some self-discovery to find out what you are missing that you need. Has something you enjoyed doing ended, has your partner stopped doing something that became a norm for you, or have you just grown and have a new need altogether?
Take the time to investigate what have you experiencing this emotion. Pinpoint when your loneliness is at its highest and lowest, and note the emotions you feel in both scenarios. Think about the times when loneliness wasn’t an issue. What was fulfilling at that moment that you don’t have access to now?
Being aware of what you lack or need increases your awareness and the probability of getting it.
Here are a few signs and side effects that can help you recognize if or when loneliness has crept into your relationship or is on its way
You feel like your needs aren't being met.
You feel disconnected or incompatible with your partner.
Intimacy fizzles out between you and your partner.
There is no desire to be intimate with your partner.
There is distance and physical separation.
You and your partner have little to no quality time together.
Breach of trust or infidelity.
Negative reactions to physical health challenges.
Understand the cause of loneliness!
The first step to navigating loneliness in a relationship is to determine the cause. As mentioned, loneliness can stem from different factors, and understanding the cause can help you find a solution. A solution is rarely found without understanding the cause.
For instance, if you feel lonely because your partner works long hours, you may need to find ways to keep yourself busy or communicate your concerns to your partner. Communicating concerns or needs is a great first step to combat loneliness because you are now combating loneliness with someone else.
Similarly, if you feel lonely because your partner seems emotionally distant, you may need to work on building intimacy and communication skills. On the other hand, if you feel lonely because you are longing for a deeper connection, you may need to come up with new activities that you can do together to create a connection through shared experiences.
In this step, communicate with your partner so they know the activities you will be experiencing together. Without communication and scheduling, loneliness can increase as your partner may not be ready or available.
Communicate effectively!
Effective communication is essential in any relationship. When you're feeling lonely or disconnected, sharing your concerns with your partner is critical. However, it is important to approach the conversation with care and understanding.
Rather than blaming your partner or expressing dissatisfaction, focus on how you feel and what you want to change. Use 'I' statements to express your emotions and refrain from attacking or criticizing your partner.
For instance, instead of saying, "You never have time for me," you could say, "I feel lonely when we don't spend quality time together." This approach helps you express your feelings constructively and encourages your partner to respond without feeling attacked.
Clear and concise communication is a must! In your conversation, be sure to be specific. Instead of saying,, “I need us to spend more time together,” say, “I miss our evening walks; can we go on a walk tonight after dinner?” Providing this level of specificity removes the guesswork for your partner, who may want to but not know how to satisfy your need. Communicating this way also creates the space for a faster response to getting your and your partner's relational needs met.
Increase intimacy!
Intimacy is vital in every relationship, and it goes beyond physical intimacy. While physical intimacy is essential, it is not the only way to connect with your partner. Connection is one of the essential ways to combat loneliness, as humans naturally crave togetherness.
Intimacy can also arise from emotional and intellectual intimacy, which involves sharing values, interests, feelings, and thoughts. To increase intimacy with your partner, you could create opportunities to explore each other's interests, engage in meaningful conversations, and express your love and appreciation for each other.
You could also engage in activities encouraging physical touch, such as holding hands, hugging, or cuddling while watching your favorite movie. You could also sign up for a couples massage, go dancing, or take a body painting class! These activities create a deeper connection between you and your partner, which can help prevent feelings of loneliness and disconnection.
Focus on individual growth!
Check yourself first! It is often said that happiness comes from within oneself, so starting there is natural. Feeling lonely in a relationship can sometimes be a result of a lack of self-care, self-growth, and self-development. When you solely rely on your partner for happiness and fulfillment, you may end up feeling dissatisfied and unfulfilled.
External validation is supplementary. If you don’t believe or feel something, no matter how often your partner tells you, it will not be true. Self-love and loving yourself is a great way for others to learn how to love you through observation. When you don’t take the time for yourself, other people try to fill the void through what they think you need or how they feel you should be treated. Incorporating words of affirmation into your self-care routine can reinforce positive beliefs about yourself and help you focus on individual growth and development to achieve personal happiness and ultimately become a better partner.
Explore your hobbies, interests, and goals, and encourage your partner to do the same. Support each other's growth and celebrate each other's achievements, whether small or big. By focusing on personal growth, you can both create a fulfilling life together, which can help you avoid feeling lonely.
Engage in self-care!
Self-care is essential in every relationship, and it can range from burning a candle to creating boundaries to a vacation on an island. Taking care of your mental, physical, and emotional well-being is critical in maintaining a healthy relationship. When you are taken care of, you present yourself as your best self, and that is a great way to show up in any relationship.
Engage in activities that make you feel good both physically and mentally, such as working out, reading, meditating, or spending time in nature. These practices can also be effective for managing anxiety, helping you stay grounded and focused. Take care of your body by eating healthy and getting enough sleep. By prioritizing self-care, you can prevent burnout, exhaustion, and resentment, which are common causes of loneliness in a relationship.
Moreover, when you feel good about yourself, you are more likely to create positive energy that can positively impact your partner and your relationship.
Seek professional help!
Unfortunately, navigating loneliness in a relationship is not always easy. There are so many ways to do it, and it can often take trial-and-error before settling into a routine. Despite your best efforts, you may still feel lonely and disconnected, and in such cases, couples therapy can provide valuable guidance and support.
A therapist can help you and your partner identify the underlying issues, develop effective communication skills, and suggest strategies to help increase intimacy and connection. At this point, it may be helpful to seek outside assistance individually or as a couple.
In conclusion, feeling lonely in a relationship is common, but it doesn't have to be the norm. At Neurofeedback & Counseling Center in Harrisburg, PA, we provide the guidance you need to create a healthy and fulfilling relationship. You can work towards a stronger connection by understanding the cause of loneliness, practicing effective communication, increasing intimacy, focusing on individual growth, engaging in self-care, and seeking professional help. Remember, being in a relationship is not a cure for loneliness but can provide comfort and support when navigated effectively.
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